The trainer only cared about being thin. It now prioritizes health over looks.

• Personal trainer Sohee Carpenter hasn’t always had a healthy relationship with food and exercise.
• She was obsessed with being thin at the expense of her health, but has now rejected diet culture.
• Carpenter is a believer in body neutrality and emphasizes self-improvement and holistic health.

This essay is based on a conversation with Sohee Carpenter, a 34-year-old strength and conditioning coach with a BA in human biology and an MA in psychology, based in Orange County. The following has been edited for length and clarity.

When I first got into exercise as a teenager, it was all about cardio. I did as much cardio as possible and ate as little as possible.

Then in 2008, I started lifting weights along with cardio and learned about protein and macronutrients. I was eating more, but I still wasn’t healthy because my approach was too rigid. I was a compulsive exerciser.

For so many years, my focus was on being as lean as possible.

But now I know that health-promoting behaviors can be pursued regardless of body changes, weight, and body composition.

My focus was to be small

I started coaching clients in 2012, but I was rigid with my approach because that was all I had been taught.

Even in college, I was trying to follow a strict meal plan that made no sense: In my college dining hall, I couldn’t eat a perfectly measured portion of chicken breast, broccoli, and almonds. Sometimes I ate 13 hard-boiled egg whites for lunch because I didn’t know how else to track my macros.

I was very much of the mindset that the leaner you are, the healthier, happier and better you are. The message I was pushing was a super diet culture, as that was the norm for people who grew up in the 80s and 90s.

I was very, very obsessed with being small and staying small.

Over the years, I learned about flexible dieting and how I could hit my macros and still eat less nutritious foods, but I wasn’t thinking about the quality of my diet. I never cared about getting fiber, the only thing that mattered was if my body looked good.

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Now I prioritize health over aesthetics

In recent years, I have become more aware of the problematic messages in the fitness industry. For example, people say obesity is a choice, a moral failing, the individual’s fault, or that it means you are lazy and less disciplined.

The training methods I had learned earlier in my career were associated with weight stigma, and I now realize that approach doesn’t help people in the long run.

Praising people for losing weight may seem harmless, but it can perpetuate long-term problems like an irrational fear of weight gain, which can encourage people to use unhealthy behaviors to maintain it.

If you are engaging in unhealthy behaviors to lose weight, it is not healthy.

Now, I don’t care what your body looks like. Regardless of what you look like, everyone deserves equal, non-stigmatizing access to health care and health-promoting behaviors.

I aim for “body neutrality”

A lot of people label me as “body positive,” but I’m actually not. However, I am a big proponent of body neutrality.

It’s not about loving every part of your body, it’s more about being more neutral about your body, not getting too fixated on the parts you like and don’t like. It’s about your body being less focused on your life and taking up less of your mental bandwidth, because I think there are a lot more interesting and important things you could be spending your energy on that are much more fulfilling.

Trying to love every part of your body is not only unrealistic, it’s still expending mental energy on your body. I’m not trying to knock body positivity, but it’s not for me and it wasn’t made for someone like me.

I love seeing more body diversity in the fitness and health space, and I think there’s room for everyone to succeed, no matter what they look like.

I strive for self-improvement

I’m no longer focusing on changing the way my body looks, but I still push myself hard and work out a lot.

I’ve always been a big proponent of continuous self-improvement through various walks of life, but in the gym, I love the idea that I can continue to get fitter, faster, and stronger as I get older.

I’m 35 this December and feel much healthier than I did in my 20s.

I started running again 13 months ago and seeing myself getting faster is really cool. I am incorporating mobility work into my training for the first time and appreciate the importance of quality time with my family and friends to my health.

I pay attention to my fiber intake and am very happy when I have lots of beans for dinner. I’m thinking about the quality and quantity of my sleep, all these things that have never been a priority before. I now understand how they affect every aspect of life.

My motives for health behaviors have matured. If you only ever care about aesthetics and that’s your only motivation to eat and exercise certain ways, that to me is a very shallow and one-dimensional view.

I am grateful to have learned what I have and can see a more multidimensional meaning behind what I am doing.

I like the idea of ​​working hard, challenging yourself and holding yourself to a high standard, giving yourself a break when you need it and not being so hard on yourself. This is how I try to live my life.